A spokesperson for the diocese of St. David told RAFwN news that the decision was finally made following the latest exclusive posted on his website, D-v-dV-rt–IsG-d.Com, in which V-rt– (peace be upon him) exposed what appears to be a trumped-up lawsuit in the diocese of New York.

The Ecumenical Synod’s decision to elevate V-rt– (peace be upon him) to Saviour is a very significant move for the Church. It will mean that worshipers iconic object of faith and devotion will be the middle-aged former resident of the South Pacific. Members of the Ecumenical Synod are directed to believe that the body and blood, soul and divinity of V-rt– (peace be upon him) are really present in the Davidic Feast, which takes place in every Virtuite parish Wednesday evenings and consists of canned ham and boxes of wine (V-rt–’s (pbuh) favourite meal. The Feast is eaten in commemoration of the appearing of the career of Dan Rather to him in a dream.

Church pundits have already begun responding, with the Archbishop of Canterbury calling the move “very worrying for us. I do hope that this will not upset too many people. We are growing rather weary with all this unpleasantness.” Canon David Anderson, president of the American Anglican Council told RAFwN news that he would take every possible measure to block the elevation and questioned the sanity of the people involved.

An Anglican Evangelical Christian organization that refused to be named said the move was “very worrying for us. We do hope that this will not upset too many people. We are growing rather weary with all this unpleasantness.” When asked what action they would take in response, AEC replied, “None…but we must reiterate how weary we are with all this unpleasantness.”

Sources: V-L (pbuh)

The purpose of the meetings is to gather advice from entertainment professionals on how to maintain a clear presence in the public arena, while at the same time remaining irrelevant.

Bishop George Bruce explains that Canadian bishops wish to appear to be leading their flocks, but are not sure how to do so without actually accomplishing anything. “It’s the fear of moving one way or the other that has brought on this crisis of communications. We want to look like we’re doing something, but in fact do nothing. That is why we have brought the entertainment experts in that we have. We believe they represent what we are seeking to achieve.”

Top star David Hasselhoff is joined by colleague Walter Ostanek during the first session, entitled “How to look important without doing anything to earn it.” Hasselhoff commented that he was “happy to help the Anglican Church of Canada” and added that he would be appearing at the Stedman’s in Wabush, Labrador in December to help raise funds for the NAAKPSWTP (the National Association of Anglicans to Keep the Primate Supplied with Tobacco Products).

Boy George is the plenary speaker for the meetings and will be speaking on his personal experiences in the entertainment industry, which closely resemble that of Canadian bishops, “Washed up and no place to go: Public glory, private failure.”

Conference spokesperson Desmond Tutu told RAFwN News that he looked forward to forging new frontiers of irrelevance in the Anglican Church of Canada with this new communications initiative. “My words are meaningless, and so should be yours.”

Bishop Ron Ferris, of the diocese of Algoma, told RAFwN that he applauded the new ‘Generations’ website for youth in the Anglican Church of Canada. “Well, I believe that it’s high time we reached out to our youth in this church and I applaud church house for this important initiative. Here in Algoma, we have a surplus of hymnals.”

“I think it’s just splendid that we’ve had such lovely weather, this fall, don’t you?”, Bishop John Clarke told our RAFwN correspondant in Peace River, Alberta. “I think I ought to go ask mother if she wants me to cover the tomatoes tonight, though.”

Meanwhile, Patrick Yu, assistant bishop of the diocese of Toronto offered an alternative view of the investiture. “Toronto suffers from a marked lack of parking for commuters only because the city is trying to encourage commuters to take public transit. It’s time that commuters started taking responsibility for the environment.”

Conservative group Anglican Essentials Canada declined comment.

Sources: None.

Thanks!
That Naughty Anglican Chap

TORONTO – The Classical Anglican Network (CaNNet) announced this morning that it will partner with OrthodoxAnglican.Org, the largest Anglican web hosting service in the United States.

Michael Daley, Director of Communications for CaNNet called it “a continuation of our servant mission to provide advanced web hosting solutions to parishes and organizations that could not otherwise financially maintain an online presence.”

CaNNet emerged in 2003 to provide an online forum for orthodox Anglicans to interact with each other, but has since grown exponentially and now is host to some of the biggest names in the Anglican world, including Canon Kendall Harmon, Andrew Carey, the Ekklesia Society and the Church of Uganda.

“Our mission is really two-fold,” said Daley, “First, we provide professional hosting solutions to parishes, dioceses and provinces within the Anglican Communion for nothing or next to nothing. Second, we provide a center of gravity on which all of these ministries pivot, online.

“In providing this center of gravity, we enable every person from the churchwarden or parish priest right up to bishops and archbishops to seek common identity and common cause with each other.”

CaNNet, said Daley, is supported entirely by private donors. “We have been enabled through the givings of our supporters to get this far, and look forward to seeing what the future holds for us as we embark on this new chapter in our life as a distinctly Anglican ministry.”

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Contact: Mr. Michael Daley +1.469.361.3464 / +44 (0)20 70 783 943
mdaley -at- anglicanunderground -dot- net

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for your gracious and generous support of CaNNet over the past several years. Since its inception back in 2003, we have seen exponential growth in both the Anglican blogosphere and the orthodox Anglican web presence. This is very encouraging to us, but our work has just begun.

It is important to point out that none of this – none – would have been possible without the prayers and support of people like yourself. On those days when it seems the world is tearing into us from all sides, it is your prayers that sustain us and keep us pushing forward, in faith.

As we embark on this new phase of expansion at CaNNet – our new partnership with OrthodoxAnglican.Org - we would like to solicit your prayers for this important ministry of communication. First, please pray that we would not lose sight of the purpose of CaNNet, which is to provide communications ministries to parishes, dioceses, provinces and orthodox Anglican organizations which could not otherwise afford an online presence – all to the glory of God and not ourselves. Second, please pray that God would raise up godly men and women who would step up to the plate and donate their time and energy in maintaining our network of servers, throughout North America. Third, please pray that God would provide the financial resources necessary to sustain such an undertaking.

We would also like to ask that you, dear friends, would consider making a donation to this worthy ministry of presence on the internet. This is very easy to do, through our online donations center at http://www.anglican.tk/donate.html. Currently, we need a stable of monthly givers to enable us to maintain our expanded ministry into the New Year, as well as some substantial ‘one-off’ donations.

Thank you all so very much for your continued prayers and support, and for helping us to become the very best Anglican resource on the web, not just for news, but also for a ministry that builds up the Kingdom of God and shines forth into the world with the light and hope of our glorious Savior Jesus Christ.

All blessings,
Michael Daley
Director of Communications, CaNNet

Lipscum is pictured here with his closest ally in the fight against disinformation and error, Murray “Moloch” Everton of Hell’s Canyon. Moloch was hired on by the diocese following a row over whether weblogs really are as dangerous as the bishop has made them out to be, and is expected to submit recommendations this week, following their meetings.

A spokesperson for the diocese explained that Moloch was hired on following a series of rigorous interviews. “He laid tracks for troubadors who got killed before they reached Bombay,” RAFwN News was told and was therefore “the best fit for our bishop.”

“He’s also a coward and a turn-coat,” added Lipscum cheerily during a phone interview with RAFwN, last night.

In the letter, Lipscum said that “I would encourage you instead to join me in a 40-day fast from reading the web blogs. Instead, fill that time with prayer, join other members of your congregation to reflect on the scriptures, and allow God’s Holy Spirit to guide the Church through these difficult times.” He also suggested Labyrinth walks, inviting the Presiding Bishop-elect over for tea and harassing elderly ladies on the street.

It would seem, in any event, that this diocesan bishop has made a decision that he intends to stand by. “At least so long as it suits him,” muttered his secretary before terminating the phone call.

RAFwN will continue to cover this story as it unfolds.

Sources: Moloch in Review, S.A.T.A.N. National journal, ENS

(Pennsylvania) - Charles Bennison, the bishop of Pennsylvania, has been asked to resign, following a unanimous vote by the Standing Committee of the diocese. In general, a request of this sort would be seen as a vote of non-confidence and the bishop in question would resign. But the Episcopal Diocese of Pennsylvania is far from normal, as is its bishop.

“I first realized I had this gifting at a rally for incontinent pipe smokers. I was able to counsel several of the conference attendees that they weren’t really incontinent, regardless of the moisture level in their shorts. By giving them a process through which they could escape the bonds of adult undergarments, I was able to improve the lives of at least three of the people at that conference.

“It is for this reason,” the Bishop wrote in a recent press release, “that I shall continue my tenure as pastor of this flock. The diocese of Pennsylvania will be a centre of ministry not just for men with enlarged prostates, but all of God’s people who suffer from bladder control problems.”

The new ministry, entitled “The Diocese of Pennsylvania: That Depends” will be launched on St. Verna of Leaky Pants Day (the patron saint of leaky pants), this autumn and is expected to bring wide acclaim from the adult undergarment industry.

The ombudsman for the diocese further told RAFwN that a major cash infusion would be funnelled into the diocese by the Depends corporation, which would “clear up any discrepancies previously brought to light and eliminate the need for unpleasantness.”

Asked if this was a new form of healing ministry, Bennison told RAFwN “Yes, it is. Although it does present some problems for the laying on of hands.”

Source: The Democratic Republic of the Diocese of Pennsylvania