Rich Anglican Fudge (with Nuts)

HELL - The greatest gift the western Anglican Church has given to liberal members has been elevated to the level of Saviour following closed deliberations at the second Virtuite Ecumenical Synod in West Chester, yesterday.

A spokesperson for the diocese of St. David told RAFwN news that the decision was finally made following the latest exclusive posted on his website, D-v-dV-rt–IsG-d.Com, in which V-rt– (peace be upon him) exposed what appears to be a trumped-up lawsuit in the diocese of New York.

The Ecumenical Synod’s decision to elevate V-rt– (peace be upon him) to Saviour is a very significant move for the Church. It will mean that worshipers iconic object of faith and devotion will be the middle-aged former resident of the South Pacific. Members of the Ecumenical Synod are directed to believe that the body and blood, soul and divinity of V-rt– (peace be upon him) are really present in the Davidic Feast, which takes place in every Virtuite parish Wednesday evenings and consists of canned ham and boxes of wine (V-rt–’s (pbuh) favourite meal. The Feast is eaten in commemoration of the appearing of the career of Dan Rather to him in a dream.

Church pundits have already begun responding, with the Archbishop of Canterbury calling the move “very worrying for us. I do hope that this will not upset too many people. We are growing rather weary with all this unpleasantness.” Canon David Anderson, president of the American Anglican Council told RAFwN news that he would take every possible measure to block the elevation and questioned the sanity of the people involved.

An Anglican Evangelical Christian organization that refused to be named said the move was “very worrying for us. We do hope that this will not upset too many people. We are growing rather weary with all this unpleasantness.” When asked what action they would take in response, AEC replied, “None…but we must reiterate how weary we are with all this unpleasantness.”

Sources: V-L (pbuh)

TORONTO - Bishops in the Anglican Church of Canada are holding high-level talks this week with top members of the music industry.

The purpose of the meetings is to gather advice from entertainment professionals on how to maintain a clear presence in the public arena, while at the same time remaining irrelevant.

Bishop George Bruce explains that Canadian bishops wish to appear to be leading their flocks, but are not sure how to do so without actually accomplishing anything. “It’s the fear of moving one way or the other that has brought on this crisis of communications. We want to look like we’re doing something, but in fact do nothing. That is why we have brought the entertainment experts in that we have. We believe they represent what we are seeking to achieve.”

Top star David Hasselhoff is joined by colleague Walter Ostanek during the first session, entitled “How to look important without doing anything to earn it.” Hasselhoff commented that he was “happy to help the Anglican Church of Canada” and added that he would be appearing at the Stedman’s in Wabush, Labrador in December to help raise funds for the NAAKPSWTP (the National Association of Anglicans to Keep the Primate Supplied with Tobacco Products).

Boy George is the plenary speaker for the meetings and will be speaking on his personal experiences in the entertainment industry, which closely resemble that of Canadian bishops, “Washed up and no place to go: Public glory, private failure.”

Conference spokesperson Desmond Tutu told RAFwN News that he looked forward to forging new frontiers of irrelevance in the Anglican Church of Canada with this new communications initiative. “My words are meaningless, and so should be yours.”

A bravely defiant Bishop Duncan smiles for our cameras even as the Bishops of LA and Pennsylvania wage reconciliation on his ass.